It has to start somewhere

This month I’ve included an audio-recording to allow you to listen to the essay if that is your preferred format. Be aware that this one includes some weighty topics, so please be mindful if you have little ears present.

The news coming out of Minneapolis has weighed heavily on me, particularly the deaths of Renee Good and Alex Pretti, both of them thirty-seven years old. I wanted to go to a protest after Renee Good’s death, because that was absolutely the straw that broke the camel’s back for me, but I was scared. I’m ashamed of it, but I was. 

Yet, it’s a privilege to be scared, isn’t it? To choose to be scared because I’m going out on a limb for others, or choose not to be scared and stay silent? It’s a privilege, right now, to not be scared just existing as a human being in the world.

Actually, that’s my privilege showing. There have always been members of our community who have been scared to exist just because of what they look like, what they believe, or who they are. 

Right now we’re hunting people because of their immigration status, or for supporting those being persecuted, but it isn’t just that. We hurt people because of their religion or their gender or sexuality or their political beliefs or you name it. When I think about the loud hatred by people who perceive someone else as less than because they’re different, it's overwhelming. There’s so much I’ve had to block out because it’s just so hard to FEEL and also function as a parent, but there’s guilt in that, too. It’s a luxury to be able to go into my bubble and focus on my little world. What do people do when the danger lives in their bubble? 

Meanwhile, I’m trying to teach my kids lessons from this mess, but I don’t even know where to start because I don’t want to shatter their innocent view of the world, even though I know it’s impossible to hang onto. I know.

And then. And then and then and then. We had some bad weather recently. Not the kind that knocks your power out and has you dangerously frigid, but the cozy kind that has you inside eating homemade stew and reading books with your loved ones while you listen to the sleet on the window. The kind that has your kids gently fighting over whether to watch Frozen because, duh, ice storm, or Leo and ultimately you end up with neither, you read while your kids watch Grizzly and the Lemmings for the ten thousandth time. And I saw a post on Facebook by a woman gently reminding people that snow days aren’t safe for everyone, and offering a code word to those stuck at home with abusers who might need help. And then the camel that was trying so hard to stand up fell back down.  

Meanwhile, why do I care if my kids only want chicken nuggets and ice cream and don’t know how to be happy at a quiet volume and leave their toys out because they’re set up exactly how they want and fight going to bed because they want to be with me? I don’t know. I did, once. I probably still do. But right now…I don’t know. 

And I just…friends, there’s so much violence in the world. So much hate. I know it’s not new—people have been hurting each other since the beginning of time—but I’ve been thinking a lot about why. Does it come down to power? Greed? Insecurity? Or security in the belief that you’re better, worthy of inflicting your worldview on others? Why do we create tragedy when so much unintentional and accidental pain is an inevitable part of life, no matter the choices we make? 

What brings a man to be so angry that he shoots Jewish people peacefully practicing their faith?
What brings a man to be so angry that he smashes his wife against a wall?
What brings a man to be so angry that he batters a member of the LGBTQIA+ community, whose identity and love don’t impact him at all? 
What brings a man to be so angry that he hits an innocent child?
What brings a man to be so angry that he shoots a mother—or an ICU nurse—who is clearly not a threat?

And what brings a man to be so entitled that he sexually assaults young girls. Girls barely older than my own. 

I don’t intend this to be a commentary on gender because there are plenty of hateful women in the world, too, but statistically the vast majority of violent crimes are committed by men, so I’m leaving the gendered statements as is. And I wish there was an answer, friends. I wish I understood why people thought their own pain and anger and self-regard gave them license to hurt others. I wish I understood why people believe that it’s justified to take a life just because the person lacks the legal documentation to be here. Or are lily white but standing beside someone brown. Or to put their hands on people who have not given their consent, perhaps not taking their life, but shattering it. We’ve lost sight of the fact that beneath the meaningless shit on the outside—brown/white, gay/straight, Jewish/Christian, man/woman, Democrat/Republican, rich/poor (and all of the other categories that don’t exist in this example which I have made binary solely for the purpose of illustration)—we all have the same heart. The same lungs. The same basic needs for air and water and food and love. The same capacity for good. The same right to exist. 

Even the ICE agents whose actions I find so deplorable are, underneath the masks, human beings. What has happened in their lives that has led them to this point, where they believe their actions are justified? 

Or don’t, but still need to put food in their kids' bellies. 

I have no answer for you friends, none. I haven’t been walking you down a path of discovery, ready to give you an easy answer and marching orders here at the end. I’ve been ruminating, spinning my wheels on something for which there is no answer. And that terrifies me.

But what I can tell you is this: the answer isn’t hate. It isn’t violence. It isn’t “othering” people. It isn’t a closed mind and a closed heart. 

It’s kindness. It’s empathy. It’s a willingness to calmly discuss the areas in which we differ, and find peaceful ways to coexist. How to do that? I have no idea, other than being thoughtful and intentional with how I raise my kids. Because if there’s any shot at solving this, the answer’s in teaching our children—even the grown ones, even the collective ones who aren’t our own legal beings to shepherd—that we have to lead with compassion. We have a collective obligation as human beings to remember that we’re all just that: human beings. And change has to start somewhere. It has to start with us.

Resources

• Anything Mentionable is Manageable — Melinda Wenner Moyer

• How to Raise Open Minded Kids in a Polarized World — Melinda Wenner Moyer and Emily Edlynn

• Mattering And Why It Matters — Dr. Aliza Pressman and Jennifer Wallace

• How to Talk to Kids About All the Terrible Things — Melinda Wenner Moyer and Elise Hu

• For Love and Loss — Kathryn Barbash, PsyD

• 10 Practical Tips for Parenting During Political Turmoil and Hard Times — Dr. Aliza Pressman

• How to Talk to Kids About ICE and Keep Them Safe — Melinda Wenner Moyer

Places You Can Donate
(And Don’t Forget to Call Your Reps)

Nationwide:

• Your local community food bank.

• Your local Mutual Aid.

• Immigrant Defense Project
  IDP fights to end the current era of unprecedented mass criminalization, detention, and deportation through a multipronged strategy including advocacy, litigation, legal advice and training, community defense, grassroots alliances, and strategic communications.

In Minnesota:

• Minnesota Freedom Fund
  Minnesota Freedom Fund works to end wealth-based detention and power build with community to dismantle the systems that turn poverty into punishment while expanding access to freedom, safety, and dignity for all Minnesotans. 

• Minneapolis/St. Paul Magazine

  Food drives, fundraisers, trainings, restaurant specials, and other resources to support immigrant communities during ICE's massive Operation Metro Surge.

• Immigrant Law Center of Minnesota
  ILCM is a nonprofit organization that provides free immigration legal representation to low-income immigrants and refugees in Minnesota and North Dakota. 

• Women’s Foundation of Minnesota
  IRRF is a coalition of philanthropic leaders rooted in communities most impacted by immigration-related harm. IRRF ensures that resources move quickly, responsibly, and with community accountability to trusted organizations responding to immigration-related emergencies across Minnesota.

• Midwest Immigrant Bond Fund
  The Midwest Immigration Bond Fund pays out bonds for residents of, and people detained in Kentucky, Illinois, Indiana, Minnesota, and Wisconsin, and fights for the abolition of immigration detention.

• Community Aid Network MN
  Community Aid Network (CANMN) is a grassroots volunteer-led organization located in the Bancroft neighborhood of Minneapolis, MN. We work to build solidarity with our neighbors, organize volunteers and redistribute resources to ensure everyone has the means for dignified survival.

• Central Area Neighborhood Development 
  The Central Neighborhood Care Team (Central Care Team), is one of six strategically organized groups within a larger group of Central Neighborhood residents organizing with a twofold mission: relationship building and resistance. This GoFundMe raises funds for critical rent assistance as families stay home. 

• Hennepin Healthcare Foundation - Pediatric Mobile Healthcare
  Hennepin Healthcare, the non-profit safety net health care organization, is expanding and retrofitting its Pediatric Mobile Healthcare units to make more home visits and to add maternal health care, specifically for high-risk pregnancies, as many people are not making it to appointments at this time.

Recommendations Roundup

Franny Lynch’s first true love is the sea, and her story is nested in a story about Arctic terns, who are embarking on what might be their last migration before extinction. The depth of the sea and the height of the birds’ flight are the only things that give her purpose after enduring a lifetime of loss and grief. She convinces a crusty fisherman to let her hitchhike on his commercial fishing vessel, promising him and his crew that her quest in following the birds will lead them to fish. But along the way, her night terrors, singular focus, and haunted past threaten the safety of the crew and, as stolen from the book blurb, “Franny must ask herself what she is really running toward—and running from.”

Read More

Parting Shot

Esperance (es-per-uhns): Esperance (es-per-uhns): the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

I wish you the peace that comes from living the life you want for yourself, the hope that comes from seeing your own potential, and the joy that comes from stepping back and feeling gratitude for it all. Go forth, my friends. I wish you well.