When you don’t love your insides
This month’s essay has no content that is inadvisable to listen to in front of little ears, if that is a consideration for you, but “the shit word” is used a few times.
There’s a subscriber to my essays who replies after every single one goes out and tells me what he thought, what he took away from it, and then generally we banter back and forth a bit. I love this. If you’re also a writer then you know how so much of the sharing side of this work is throwing spaghetti against a wall, hoping it sticks but never knowing if it does. Having someone I can reliably count on to not only consume my words, but validate the meaning behind them, is so valuable to my soul.
So when he says something about my writing, I take it seriously.
Following my April essay, “Getting your insides to your outsides,” about my decision to get a tattoo at thirty-nine and after five years of thinking about it, he wrote me and said, and I’m paraphrasing, here: love this as always, but it feels like you’re holding something back.
Reader, I was. And I’m glad for the nudge to sit in those thoughts.
In writing that essay I started to get into the question of what to do if you don’t love what’s inside. But it felt like too much for one essay, so I pulled it out. And besides, I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to say.
Now I do.
A little over two years ago, my husband and I were not in a good place, and hadn’t been for awhile. We’d had a rough couple of years (baby during a pandemic, anyone?!?), and were generally coexisting in the same space, often not peaceably. I was miserably unhappy, and I had started to wonder whether maybe I couldn’t be happy with him at all...couldn’t be my true self with him. We both, candidly, didn’t like each other very much. Thankfully, he agreed to start couples therapy, we found the most incredible therapist for us, and now I can confidently say that we have the tools to figure things out when shit goes awry (one of the tools being said therapist, who we’ll see for as long as she’ll have us).
Now, I would loooooooove to tell you that everything was his fault, that he fixed all the things he was doing that were contributing to the shit sandwich of a marriage we’d fallen into, and then everything was sunshine and unicorns. And he did and is working on many of them! And has shown an insanely commendable amount of growth as a person in the past two years! But I can’t in good conscience tell you that “fixing” him through therapy is what helped us, because I also had my own stuff that was contributing to the rocky spot we were in. As with almost any friction between two people, you cannot lay causality at only one person’s feet. “Fixing” one person doesn’t “fix” the relationship, because both parties have to take ownership for their actions.
We both had to learn that when someone you love says “hey, this way you interact with the world makes my life harder,” you should listen. Especially if the someone saying it is your own voice in your head. To be clear: I am not saying you should change who you are for someone else. There are things about who I am at my essence that drive my husband nuts and vice versa, but that doesn’t mean either of us should change those things OR that we’re not compatible spouses. Who you are is who you are, and part of the hard work of being human is figuring out how to love yourself and try to stay true to your own north star while also loving other people despite their quirks. But how you interact with the world, with other people, and sometimes with your very own self in your mind? Yep, those are things you might want to change. At your own prompting or someone else’s.
Without getting into a laundry list of self-deprecation because that is not the point here, a few things I didn’t like about myself, pointed out by me or someone else, included: lack of confidence/severe imposter syndrome when it came to my writing and publishing aspirations; rigidity of routine and mindset; defensiveness—so much defensiveness; body image issues; anxiety around my kids health and safety that was debilitating enough I was afraid it was going to have a long-term impact on them; codependence that resulted in me making choices about how I show up in the world because I was trying to control how other people saw me; self-sacrifice bordering on martyrdom.
This is not flattering, people. And it was not much fun to deal with allll the things, some of which are still a regular thing for me to work on. And again, at the risk of being redundant all over again, you are not at the mercy of what other people think about you. But sometimes you hear something from a credible source—including your own self—that should prompt some reflection. The last two years, for me, have included a lot of that.
I am, by nature, incredibly reflective. I approach myself and my life with a growth mindset—I am not static, and if I’m not intentional about how I’m shaping myself, then the world will do it for me. This isn’t something that is going to change, so I anticipate I’ll always be learning and evolving. But I can comfortably say to you now that I’m happy with who I am. I like myself most of the time. And I’m giving myself the grace and latitude to discover new things about myself that I either want to embrace or change without any shame strings attached.
I took my youngest daughter to a clay studio this weekend. From one pound of clay she made a fish, flower, the Paw Patrol shield, and a heart. From the rest I made four small bowls the perfect size for M&Ms. And I think our own evolution as people is a lot like creating from clay, with us being the clay. We can play and mold and tinker a bit until we’re happy, and maybe we’re done, or maybe later we want to sculpt some more, or add paint, or whatever! But if we don’t take ownership of shaping ourselves, someone—or something—else will.
So take stock of yourselves, folks. Sit quietly and really take stock. Do you like who you are inside? Are you happy with YOU? Admitting the things you want to work on—and working on them—isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. If there are things you’re not happy with, what can you do to support yourself so that you like who you are and how you exist in the world?
We’re all a work in progress. We’re all wet clay before it goes in the kiln—some of us are more formed than others, but all of us are constantly being sculpted and shaped. There’s always the opportunity to evolve, because we can change all the way until we go to that big kiln in the sky. So be kind to yourself, and don’t judge you. If it feels hard, it means you’re doing it right. Though the solution is actually simple, in my opinion: live your life the way you aspire to be, and I promise you, your soul will catch up the more opportunities you give it to practice.
Also, get a really really good therapist.
This essay was written without the use of generative AI. I just really love em dashes. And metaphors.
Featured Philanthropy
Community service is incredibly important to me, and that can look different for different people. For me, it means volunteering at my kids’ school, volunteering for the writing association I’m a member of, and trying to help families in need in our community. For others it might be making charitable contributions. Both are fantastic!
I highlight the work of a different philanthropic organization with each essay. Give your time or not, donate money or not, it makes no difference to me–I just hope to inspire a servant leadership mindset in my readers, and also feature the wonderful work different organizations are doing.
If you’d like to nominate an organization for me to spotlight, please send me a message or drop a link in the comments.
You can find your local chapter on their site.
Their Mission: To create a caring, just, and affirming world for LGBTQ+ people and those who love them.
Their Vision:
An equitable, inclusive world where every LGBTQ+ person is safe, celebrated, empowered, and loved.
Their Values:
Accountability, Bravery, Community and Collaboration, Inclusivity and Belonging, Growth
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Parting Shot
Esperance (es-per-uhns): Esperance (es-per-uhns): the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.
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